Sometimes I wonder what it is that I'm trying to prove by writing in this blog. It is a form of a sacrifice that I am trying to perform for Vishnu.
It is hard to digest that all those who hurt me in my life were acting accordance with God's laws. I want to accept it, but every bone in my body resists. I want to say that all those that go against my believed truth are wrong. That they should change. But the more I desire the world to change for me, the more I have to change. And I don't want to change for the world. I want to change for Krishna. I want to change while being loved and played by Krishna. At least I want to want that. I want to somewhere in my heart to want that.
Stephen Hawking and my parents are perfectly in tune with the will of Krishna. They do not do anything of their own accord. They act according to the will of Krishna and have always done so. That is so difficult for me to digest. If I accepted this, the worse case scenario is that I have to accept all kinds of poop about the world as true that I don't want to. I find this world and the actions to be very unpalatable. But I am trying to digest that everyone in this world is acting in accordance to Krishna's laws. Willfully or without desiring to, we are all acting according to God's laws whether we want to accept it or not. It is not my job to make people accept this truth. I am not the doer being unchangeable.
"You cannot break God's laws. You can only break yourself against it."
So if I can live my life accepting this truth about reality than there is no contradiction. But I am not pure enough to live this truth. I do get lost. I don't see everyone in this world as worthy of respect. I see some as greater and others as less. I see some as just and others as evil. I see qualities that I want and qualities that I don't want. I am not neutral to all. All are not equal in my eyes. I am not perfect.
And so I see the laws of my nation and the popular beliefs in the world. And it makes me throw-up. There is all this talk about "enforced equality" with no training in spiritual neutrality. How can you have equality without perfect neutrality?
And I want to rage against this contradiction to the truth that I believe in. And I try to console myself and tell myself that, no, this is the will of the Lord. The fact that this belief is in the world is perfect and complete in itself. But damn that is tough to digest.
But actually there is nothing wrong with the belief in equality per-say. We are perfectly equal in the mind of God. And perhaps in the eyes of all that see through the mind of God, everyone is perfectly equal. Certainly I am not that fortunate to have this vision.