I was reading over George Orwell's essay "Why I write." It made me question why I write.
For me personally, I am looking for language to express myself. There are things that I want to say. I just don't know how to say it. It is very disconcerting, really. I have a certain perspective and I want to express it. I am also trying to create a life circumstance that would allow me to express this perspective. I am hoping to close the gap between my personal life and my writing to the public. There are multiple barriers that I have to cross with myself to actually get to the point of expressing myself in public. Some of these barriers are practical. The others are literary in nature. I find it a real challenge to come up with the language to express a lot of things that I feel in my heart. It's fun finding ways to be innovative to cross these barriers.
I figured that perhaps if I expressed my challenges publicly that would help me cross my own barriers. Thus this post.
In writing all of this, I am wondering if I have not revealed too much about me. But this is exactly why I am writing. I am trying to overcome myself of the influence of the inner-critic in me. I am trying to get past my own inner-bureaucracy that prevents me from being forthright in my writing.
Staying hidden and away from the influence of the world and true to your own conceptions is important. It ensures genuineness of your ideas, feelings and thoughts. Through this process of incubation, you can be sure that they are truly yours. You can be sure that you are true to your vocation. It allows you to be true to yourself. But, once an idea has matured in your soul, it wants to participate in the public discourse. Then comes the challenge of expressing it in language that other people understand. This is the challenge that I am experiencing.
I feel fortunate that I can blog. This way, I can dash off any writing that I want to do. It's quick and it's free. It's unstructured. My writing comes out in all kinds of forms and storms. And with no coherence, a blog allows my words to tumble out with no concept of organization. That is the beautiful thing about the world of links and blogging. The spontaneity of expression supersedes organization.
In many ways, with every post that I write I know that I am establishing my relationship with 'the public.' The public is that amorphous group of people that represents my readers. It could be everyone. And it could be anyone. It could be no one (what a horrible thought!). It is very disconcerting writing for this undefined group of people. But it is liberating as well.
And I suppose the struggle of expressing myself to an audience without a face or culture is risky. It takes an immense amount of courage to simply write, not knowing who you'll offend in the process. But you can't try to appeal to everyone. In the process you won't appeal to anyone. I can't fear being rejected to the point that I don't express myself. I won't write a word. And that would be a shame; because I want to write.
I suppose I especially have a lot of misgivings because I feel that I will end up offending many by the particular ideas that I want to express.
But the above is not what I want to be motivated by. I don't want to be a panderer of tastes. That is what a Magician is. And I don't want to be a Magician. I don't want to get so caught up in the act of pandering that I lose touch with the quality and purity of the product and service that I want to provide.
So I must write. Whether my words ends up offending or pleasing, I must write. In every act there is fault but one should not stop living one's truth. Better one makes mistakes while attempting to be true to one's own truth. That is better than living another's truth and living a doubtful life where you are never sure of what one's truth starts and ends. For the doubting soul there is happiness neither in this life nor the next.