It is hard for me to explain what it means for a system to be in dynamic equilibrium with itself. But I feel that it is something very similar to how a gyroscope works.
A gyroscope is dynamic because it is spinning. Yet it is in equilibrium with itself. Amazingly it almost seems like the law of equal and opposite reaction doesn't work in relation to it. It seems like it is able to absorb external forces within it's own equilibrium instead of reacting to it.
I am actually a very shy person. I hide behind my own intellectualism. So by expressing myself in writing in this way in a public blog I feel that I am developing my tolerance for uncertainty. I am taking a huge risk by making my inner private life so public. But I feel that I need to do this to develop my tolerance for ambiguity and uncertainty. It's not going to kill me to express these things.
I know that I have had a very low tolerance for uncertainty and ambiguity. And as I express this I am afraid of how someone might use this knowledge about me to hurt me. I feel like going into flight or fight mode as I write these words. Wow, I just had dejavu. And I feel that this will not get published. I almost feel like I might unconsciously sabotage myself. This is some really whacked up convoluted logic.
I believe in the conflict of opposites. I feel that I suffer from solipsism. I feel that I suffer from this from being an extreme introvert. I am trying to cure myself of this through my writing in this blog.
I feel that I developed solipsism when my emotional system went on lock down. I experienced emotional paralysis. I lost confidence in my inner security system.
Think of what would happen to a network engineer if he found that a hacker had entered into his system and was spreading viruses all over. Now imagine if the information network system was your heart and mind. What would you do? How would you react? Wouldn't you want to survive? Wouldn't you want to lock everything down so that the hacker could not destroy your system?
Well that is exactly what I did. Except I slammed the door to my heart and head too hard. The result was mental paralysis. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is true of even the inner world. If you slam your inner system down with a force, you have to use the same amount of force to re-open that slammed door. This is what I've found in my healing process.
I have had to use the drugs Vyvanse and Ritalin in the process of opening my slammed door. It has been a nerve wracking process. It has emotionally exhausted me. It has made me so distraught. I have brought a lot of suffering in a lot of people's lives through this process. It feels really good to be able to honestly express this.
I have been so afraid to express this. I have feared all the ramifications careerwise and all that in expressing all of this. I have feared that people will not hire me. I have feared my future co-workers laughing at me for expressing all of this.
I have been paralyzed by my own fear. Fear can have a vicious cycle. I feel so overwhelmed in expressing all of this. It feels like too much at one go. I am wondering if there will be a relapse.
The tip of my heart hurts. Now I feel like the tip of my heart is re-entering my head. It feels like the tip of my heart that I had been pulling and pulling for most of my life, it is being released. It feels like it is finding its way back in my head. My head is swimming.
In many ways much of what I am expressing feels like it is too sacred to say in public. But I have gotten to the point that I don't care anymore. I really need to heal and get better. And I am ready to move forward and do whatever it takes to do so.
I'm not sure that writing all of this will necessarily help. But I don't feel it can hurt. I feel that my fear (of the impact of me being this open in public) has hurt me a lot more than the impact itself. What is to happen will happen. As I write this, my head feels weird. I feel pressure on one side of my head.
Can anyone out there use this information and hurt me? Probably. Can anyone hurt me more than I have hurt myself through my paralysis? Probably not.
I have locked myself in a vicious cycle of reactions and aversions. It was a bureacratic maze through which I had no way of coming out. Finally Vyvanse came to that rescue of pushing myself out. But that was just the first part of it. There was more hell for me to go through. More people to hurt. More misunderstanding. More of my reputation being ruined. More credibility being compromised.
And then a friend showed me an astrollogical chart. And I thought I was the messiah. And I went overboard and crashed again.What is interesting is that this astrollogical chart actually charted out the journey I went through in my life and the solutions I would provide the world. In many ways, in the course of writing this blog I am actually doing it. So it is a self-fulfilling prophecy in a certain sense.
Then Ritalin came to my life. And it opened all kinds of doors. But still everything was not clear. Ritalin came with it's own baggage. It made me very jittery and reactive.
I am continuing to write with the force that I do because I feel that this will heal me. I feel the tip of the needle of my heart at the bottom of my heart again. I don't know what it means.
I feel like I am swinging on the ball of a pendulum. The the top of the rope is attached to my head. The bottom of the ball to my heart. I feel that both are connected now. But I can't make any sense of it beyond that.
I am aware that a lot of the things that I am expressing in this post, it is in a language that the world does not speak. But just because the world does not speak this language does not mean that it is not true for me. I have been very hesitant to express myself in language not spoken by the world. Like I said, this has felt very egotestical to me.
Right now I am on Ritalin and it seems to hide my inhibitions from me in being able to express myself spontaneously in writing.
In this way I would say that I have been very gutsy in my life. I have expressed myself in ways that would be considered most unpolitic. But I took the chance. I was ready to take the impact of my actions on my teeth. I believed so strongly in it.
I can't help but feel that I am swinging on this pendulum. And it is going across the equator of my being. It is swinging across opposites. The above two sentences are opposites.