Sunday, February 26, 2012

The rope of self honesty

In my life I have thought that I was better than others. I thought that I was a law in myself. I thought that what applied to others didn't apply to me. I thought that I wouldn't have to go through what others have. I thought I would figure out all the shortcuts to life. And where ever I have thought that I was better than others, God has forced me to eat my words. Every person that I have criticised or looked down on, sooner or later I have taken their position. I have had to eat my words. I have been forced to empathise. It sucks. And everytime that happens, you need to either have a big enough ego to be able to justify swallowing your pride, or you need to find a way to justify it to yourself to not swallow your own words. You have to find a way to live in denial. But realize that you will change. Your body will contort out of shape. There is no way to not live the truth that you know in your bones. That is the law of nature. 

And that is what I'm finding. I find that my body has contorted out of proportion. I feel sandwiched between the truth that I feel in my bones and the one I hear in the world. To the degree that these truths are incompatible, I feel such raging conflict within me.

Vipassana has been my way of bringing my thoughts and my bones  into alignment.

Swallowing your pride is a literal thing. Your pride is a ball. And the more you swallow your pride, the lower and lower it gets. And in the process of writing in this blog I have had to swallow this ball of pride. I feel it go lower and lower in realizing that I am no one and nothing. And it sucks, really. Really, I don't want to realize this. I want to be proud of myself. But the law of nature is forcing itself upon me. And it is making me dance like a puppet in it's hands. I feel like nature's bitch.

And though materially it doesn't make any sense to be this way, spiritually it does. 

The rope of self-honesty hangs from the bell of truth. Those who are aware of the rope but not aware of the bell suffer from symptoms of ADD Innatentive. Those who are aware of the bell but not the rope, suffer from Hyperactivity.

Balanced are those aware of the rope in relation to the bell and the bell in relation to the rope.

The circumference of the bell is the map. The rope represents how you identify where you are in relation to the map. Your map is your internal reference to your version (paradigm) of reality.

Vipassana teaches you to be in equilibrium within the area of the circle. It teaches you to not crave or averse to any one option to another. It teaches you to maintain a relationship of neutrality.