Wednesday, February 29, 2012

I am an Idiot

Watching this movie: The 3 Idiots made me realize that I was an idiot.

Going through engineering school, I created a big hole in my heart. I used all the energy that I had and all the  power and energy that I had in me to become an engineer, but it wasn't enough. I was attached to the result. I craved it. And I was averse to any other result than the attainment of my goal. I desired the goal of being an engineer that intensely.

I used the book the Seven Habits of Highly Effective people as my orbit to organize myself around the week. I had wound myself very very tightly around this book and around the week. I orbited until I ran out of fuel.

My feelings from a lack of fulfillment of my needs were intense. The more I fueled myself forward the bigger of a vacuum I was creating in my heart. I would come up with all kinds of techniques to motivate myself. And through my austerities I was, unknowingly, creating a deeper and deeper caving in of my heart. The container in my heart was increasing in size. I could feel myself mauling at pieces of soil in my heart. I was scratching it and pulling at it, breaking my nails on the dirt of the soil in my heart. And I was expressing it in pain.  I felt conflicted. I wanted to be an engineer and be accepted by my family so badly. And yet I didn't have the natural talent to become an engineer.
I was sandwiched between two diametric forces. I felt the pressure from both ends. And to relieve myself, I clawed deeper and deeper into my soul. I tried to generate my own fuel, my own alternative energy, since the one that was naturally brought from my karma from previous lives was not enough.

And for a while I was very effective in propelling myself forward on this alternative energy.

In furrowing deeper and deeper I had turned my heart into a black hole of unfulfilled desires. The vacuum became extremely dense. The negative pressure of my caving heart was deafening. It caused me so much pain. Finally I ran out of steam. And I ran out of engineering school, tears streaming down my eyes, in pain.

Then when I took Vyvanse. When Vyvanse came in contact with the black hole in my heart, it was like a union of opposites. The fuel of the methane gas of unfulfilled needs combined with the spark of Vyvanse.
Vyvanse was positive power. The black hole in my heart was negative power. The attraction between the poles was explosive. Economics happened. It was like demand of my unfulfilled needs met the supply of Vyvanse.

Between Vyvanse and the black hole in my heart, fusion happened. I in essence functioned like a magnet with two polar fields. (Don't think that irons and metals are limited in functioning as a magnet. Even ceramic [heated soil] can function as a magnet.)

The dust particles that I identified as objects of my desire slowly snaked into my heart. They entered my heart like sperm enters into the ovum. Except it wasn't just one sperm. Like iron dust attracted to a magnet, these tiny particles filled my heart. My baby was growing. These were particles of all elements. They fused. A planet happened.

And this planet was in momentum to fulfill the desires of that planet. The planet had it's own unique gravitational pull. It was a powerful ego. It sought much. It sought to lord over much. It bolded over others in it's desire for attainment. It steam rolled over bodies in it's lust. It haunted, gassed and laughed and screamed and enjoyed. And then it suffered in ghost like silence. And then it regretted.

This whole up and down process is mentioned in the Bhagavad-gita. And I went through every step of it.

And then slowly, I found out that the planet in my heart would not make me happy. I sought to stuff and cram a larger planet into my heart. I wanted to take over the world. I in essence for a time in my life functioned as a sociopath. I hurt many. I was an uncontrolled projectile of desires. I went out of control. And I crashed. And it hurt like a bitch.

My heart burst into flames. I blazed like the sun. I burned in agony. My body trembled in tremors as hot lava like tears splashed all over my lap. It was like the eruption of hot ejaculated fluids from deep within my soul. The volcanic eruption of disrupted desires. I melted in my own regret and became an even more morose ball of dejection than before I went to engineering school.

I see many parallels between the story of Dhruva Maharaj and my life. Both of us were crying, wanting to rule over planets bigger than the ones that our relatives had.
But there are differences between Dhruva Maharaj and myself too. The difference between him and I is that he attained Vishnu. I have not seen the 4-armed form of Vishnu the way Dhruva Maharaj did. But I have had a lot of realizations about the beauty of the wonderfulness of God in my journey. I realized that Allah (God) is indeed akbar (great). 

Both Dhruva Maharaj and I learned that what we initially wanted was far less in quality and quantity than what we received in the end. After attaining Vishnu, Dhruva Maharaj described his wanting to rule over a kingdom greater than his fathers as wanting broken glass (a planet) when what he should have gone for is after the diamond (Vishnu).

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